When God is the center, and life is about Him and not so much about you, it's sweet. There are many things coming to my life, soon, that will make it even sweeter. Having recently discovered that I had lost my way a bit, by straying into doctrines that are not quite correct, and others that are very much in error, I am now returned to where I belong. A brief adventure into that territory of the errors, today, left me wondering why I ever wandered that direction, in the first place. With the exception of, that it was all the Christian viewing I had available, for many years, and that this station had been, without my permission, thrust upon me, in replacement of one that actually had programming other than preachers on it, I have little or no excuse.
EWTN became a requirement of my viewing, after I experienced Relevant Radio, for awhile. My Catholicness became very clear to me. Along with discovering that some Christians, though they say otherwise, really don't have any use for Catholics, and have, mostly, misinformation concerning Catholicism to base their intolerances on, the exposure to Catholic media, and weariness with anti-Catholic lies and liars, I found my way home, to the Catholic Church, in my heart, which is where I was straying. Physically, I have never made the move away from Catholicism, but spiritually I was wandering into Protestant beliefs.
Had my dearest friend not mentioned, that she had stopped listening to Protestant media, because she had found herself straying, I would not, probably, have noticed that I too was being pulled away from Catholic doctrine into a very loose fitting Protestantism. I can never pour myself into that mold. Everything beyond orthodox types of Protestantism now scare me a whole lot. If the only one a pastor is answering to, theologically, is himself, I am even more wary.
It is also dangerous to get your theology from television minstries, especially those personalities who run the networks. They are on top of the food chain, in minstry and tend to be answering to no one in particular, also. The whole experience has left me seriously worried for souls caught up in fringe congregations with no one to guide them but one pastor, and for those guided soley by media ministries of dubious denominational ties and theological training. Some of these people have never seen the inside of a seminary of any denominations, and some of the seminaries, from what I've heard on Christian media, are teaching error.
While I've heard every variation of theological view and a wide range from God is all about Love and won't send anyone to Hell, to God will send everyone to hell that can't live a perfect life in His Grace, and a whole lot of variations in between, I find myself still "working out my own salvation in fear and trembling" to a great degree.
He doesn't appear to me, as many claim, nor take me on trips to Heaven, nor speak to me audibly, nor am I visited by saints or angels. My hands have yet to touch anyone in healing, including myself. He guides me to wise medical advice instead. He speaks quietly in my heart. He doesn't predict future events, nor set the dates and times, nor appear to me and speak to me in dreams. My life and my faith are completely ordinary, and my past spiritual life has been an on again off again effort to pursue holiness.
Every beginning I make ends unceremoniously. I don't speak words of knowledge, that I can be sure of, nor healing words to others. My prayer life is quite ordinary and not even consistant. Still, I aspire to achieve holiness, as best I can, as I continue my journey Home. Home is in Heaven, and there I desire to be, when I am finally called.
This year ends, like all the others, with hope for better holiness to spring out of this very mortal and imperfect soul. My desire for Him, so far, has cut things out of my life, that do not please Him. Now I would like, now that all that can be cut, has been cut, to start adding things into my life that are devotional, inspiring and useful to the Kingdom.
What I want to accomplish, next year, the year 2012, in which many are predicting that the end will come, is to actually begin and not stop ingloriously a lifestyle that turns to Him in prayer, in thought, in work, in deeds, in devotion, in body, mind and spirit, and, especially in works of mercy towards souls through prayer, giving, and sacrifice. What this lazy soul needs is to be less lazy, in His service, and get on with the business of walking that journey Home, via the Way of My Crosses, in this life. I need to pick up my crosses, instead of leaving them lay there. I need to turn my face to His. I need to give up my life, and take up His.
Had I chosen the path to religious vocation, many years ago, I would not be so lost in myself now, and would, instead, be completely lost in Him, which is where I truly desire to be. I know now, why monks and nuns choose to live in monastaries, away from this world's distractions. He alone is worthy of our full attention. He alone is worth giving up everything else for. Nothing we could desire is more valuable than He is. What a fool I was to turn to anything or anyone else to satisfy that thirst and hunger.
There are things I may still let go of, that are part of this world. It's unfortunate, that to do so, I have to cut myself off from family and friends as well. That's because internet seems to have replaced paper and pen, and only the telephone keeps us in touch otherwise these days. Still, He is calling me to Him, in ways that tempt me to leave everything and everyone else behind, in pursuit of His company. It feels selfish and unfaithful to be holding on to even these last few things.
It's the final "last things" I should concern myself with more than any thing I might let go of, in embracing Him entirely, and allowing Him to embrace me, entirely. Pray for me. I am not where I want to be, nor is it someplace I can now go. Also I am not where I belong. The journey has become hard, not because I am over committed to Him, but because I am tugged on, from behind and I seek to reach Him with all of my heart and soul, instead of remain at this distance, for lack of the strength to cut the ties to those worldly attractions that still hold me a captive, in this world.
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